"And Don't Crash It!"
Is Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister) really going to let Richard Hammond fire up the Quattro – even for Children in Need? Stand by for some verbals!
SCENE: An RT photoshoot reprising a Children in Need film in which tough guy DCI Gene “Bulldog” Hunt from Ashes to Ashes is obliged to lend his shiny red Audi Quattro to Top Gear’s Richard “Hamster” Hammond…
Photographer: OK, now we need a shot with the two of you standing face to face.
Gene Hunt (aka Philip Glenister): You what? (Looks at height difference between himself and Hammond.)
Photographer: Ah. Yes. Can someone find some steps?
Hunt: Or a ladder?
Richard Hammond: (vexed) Oh, please! I’m not that small, for heaven’s sake. (He strides purposefully across the room, grabs hold of a suitcase – he’s off on a Top Gear Christmas special to Vietnam the next day – brings it back, plonks it down, stands on it and is now level with Hunt.) There. Will that doo?
Hunt: (surprised, as if seeing him for the first time) Oh. There you are.
Photographer: Right, I want do a few single shots of Gene now, so Richard, take a break…
Hammond: (stomps odd to sidelines, takes a seat, still grumbling) It’s true! I’m not that small! It’s just that I happen to spend a lot of time working with two tall people [James May and Jeremy Clarkson].
RT: Do those height jibes sometimes get to you then?
Hammond: No. Well, yes. Let’s just say I learnt how to fight early on in life. But do you know the thing that really bugs me? When people who are shorter than me start taking the mickey.
RT: And I expect the Ashes to Ashes lot made reference to your height when you were making the Children in Need film?
Hammond: Yes, absolutely. (Leaning closer) To be honest, it was terrifying. I’d just arrived on set, and was admiring the Audi Quattro, which is a car I would have loved to have owned in the 80s, only I never had enough money, and straight away they all slotted into character and started to walk towards me, with their undone ties and snakeskin boots…
Hunt: (butting in, his photos now taken) That’s right (Grinning) We were giving him all this abuse for being so short and rodent like.
RT: Was that anything to do with the time you appeared on Top Gear?
Hunt: (unimpressed) You what?
RT: Didn’t you appear on Top Gear’s Star in a Reasonably Priced Car? [Philip Glenister did a times lap in May 2006]
Hunt: (wavering) Er, yeah.
Hammond: And you clocked a rather slow 1 min, 54.3 secs putting you behind Helen Mirren, Kristen Scott Thomas and Jennifer Saunders.
Hunt: It was wet!
Hammond: Oh I don’t recall that at all! What I remember is a bone dry day, in which air and sun had combined in a unique-coming-together of climatic conditions that made it nigh on impossible not to record one of the fastest times ever recorded. It was as if the very start and planets had aligned to create a once-in-a-lifetime, God given opportunity, which our contestant chose to throw away with as abject a piece of driving as one could imagine.
Hunt: You what? It was so wet, even the Stig was spinning off the track!
Hammond: (shaking head regretfully) It’s not so much that we were cross. Just disappointed.
Hunt: (changing subject) You do car shows on telly, don’t you? Me and the boys in CID have got this idea for a new one. It’s a sort of Celebrity Driving School, in which people like Damon Hill and Nigel Mansell – you know, car people – come on and have to take their driving test again.
Hammond: (shaking head) I’m not sure people really want to watch…
Hunt: Shut it! You haven’t heard the best bit yet. The whole thing’s presented by me, and it’s called ‘The Examiner!’
Hammond: I can’t see it taking off… But I have got a couple of thought about Ashes to Ashes though.
Hunt: (unenthusiastic) Oh yeah?
Hammond: I love the car; I mean, obviously the Audi Quattro is a legendary vehicle. In fact, all the TV detective shows I love have had great cars in them. The Rockford Files; a Pontiac Firebird; Starsky and Hutch; a Ford Torino; CHIPS – well, I suppose that was motorbikes (Hunt yawns rudely.) Then of course there was Morse and his red Jaguar… where was I? Oh yes, the thing I wanted to say about your show is that it’s got a great cast, lots of really good ensemble acting. It just lacks one thing.
Hunt: What’s that then?
Hammond: A really strong main character.
Hunt: You drive cars fast, don’t you?
Hammond: It has been known.
Hunt: Yeah, well, break the speed limit on my patch, sunshine, and I’ll be waiting for you! (Exit Gene Hunt, pulling leather gloves on tight…)
SCENE: An RT photoshoot reprising a Children in Need film in which tough guy DCI Gene “Bulldog” Hunt from Ashes to Ashes is obliged to lend his shiny red Audi Quattro to Top Gear’s Richard “Hamster” Hammond…
Photographer: OK, now we need a shot with the two of you standing face to face.
Gene Hunt (aka Philip Glenister): You what? (Looks at height difference between himself and Hammond.)
Photographer: Ah. Yes. Can someone find some steps?
Hunt: Or a ladder?
Richard Hammond: (vexed) Oh, please! I’m not that small, for heaven’s sake. (He strides purposefully across the room, grabs hold of a suitcase – he’s off on a Top Gear Christmas special to Vietnam the next day – brings it back, plonks it down, stands on it and is now level with Hunt.) There. Will that doo?
Hunt: (surprised, as if seeing him for the first time) Oh. There you are.
Photographer: Right, I want do a few single shots of Gene now, so Richard, take a break…
Hammond: (stomps odd to sidelines, takes a seat, still grumbling) It’s true! I’m not that small! It’s just that I happen to spend a lot of time working with two tall people [James May and Jeremy Clarkson].
RT: Do those height jibes sometimes get to you then?
Hammond: No. Well, yes. Let’s just say I learnt how to fight early on in life. But do you know the thing that really bugs me? When people who are shorter than me start taking the mickey.
RT: And I expect the Ashes to Ashes lot made reference to your height when you were making the Children in Need film?
Hammond: Yes, absolutely. (Leaning closer) To be honest, it was terrifying. I’d just arrived on set, and was admiring the Audi Quattro, which is a car I would have loved to have owned in the 80s, only I never had enough money, and straight away they all slotted into character and started to walk towards me, with their undone ties and snakeskin boots…
Hunt: (butting in, his photos now taken) That’s right (Grinning) We were giving him all this abuse for being so short and rodent like.
RT: Was that anything to do with the time you appeared on Top Gear?
Hunt: (unimpressed) You what?
RT: Didn’t you appear on Top Gear’s Star in a Reasonably Priced Car? [Philip Glenister did a times lap in May 2006]
Hunt: (wavering) Er, yeah.
Hammond: And you clocked a rather slow 1 min, 54.3 secs putting you behind Helen Mirren, Kristen Scott Thomas and Jennifer Saunders.
Hunt: It was wet!
Hammond: Oh I don’t recall that at all! What I remember is a bone dry day, in which air and sun had combined in a unique-coming-together of climatic conditions that made it nigh on impossible not to record one of the fastest times ever recorded. It was as if the very start and planets had aligned to create a once-in-a-lifetime, God given opportunity, which our contestant chose to throw away with as abject a piece of driving as one could imagine.
Hunt: You what? It was so wet, even the Stig was spinning off the track!
Hammond: (shaking head regretfully) It’s not so much that we were cross. Just disappointed.
Hunt: (changing subject) You do car shows on telly, don’t you? Me and the boys in CID have got this idea for a new one. It’s a sort of Celebrity Driving School, in which people like Damon Hill and Nigel Mansell – you know, car people – come on and have to take their driving test again.
Hammond: (shaking head) I’m not sure people really want to watch…
Hunt: Shut it! You haven’t heard the best bit yet. The whole thing’s presented by me, and it’s called ‘The Examiner!’
Hammond: I can’t see it taking off… But I have got a couple of thought about Ashes to Ashes though.
Hunt: (unenthusiastic) Oh yeah?
Hammond: I love the car; I mean, obviously the Audi Quattro is a legendary vehicle. In fact, all the TV detective shows I love have had great cars in them. The Rockford Files; a Pontiac Firebird; Starsky and Hutch; a Ford Torino; CHIPS – well, I suppose that was motorbikes (Hunt yawns rudely.) Then of course there was Morse and his red Jaguar… where was I? Oh yes, the thing I wanted to say about your show is that it’s got a great cast, lots of really good ensemble acting. It just lacks one thing.
Hunt: What’s that then?
Hammond: A really strong main character.
Hunt: You drive cars fast, don’t you?
Hammond: It has been known.
Hunt: Yeah, well, break the speed limit on my patch, sunshine, and I’ll be waiting for you! (Exit Gene Hunt, pulling leather gloves on tight…)
Philip GlenisterFirst car ever owned: Peugeot 205 Sport. I bought it from a woman in Twickenham who was so sad about selling it, she burst into tears. That made me really look after it, at least for the first six months
Current number of cars owned: Two. I’ve got a lovely BMW with sporting wheels, and my wife [actress Beth Goddard] has a little Mercedes 150, which we actually use a lot more than mine. Result of first driving test: I failed. I took my test in Ruislip, which had one of the country’s first double mini-roundabouts. I didn’t have a clue what to do, so I just drove straight over the middle of both. Not long after, the examiner told me to take the next left turn, which I did, and he promptly failed me. ‘I told you to take the next left turn, Mr Glenister,’ he said. ‘This is a pub car park’.” Driving style: My wife says I drive to fast, but I certainly don’t on the Ashes to Ashes set. I’ve always got £150,000 worth of camera equipment on board. I’m terrified that if I smash it up, I’ll never work again.” |
Richard HammondFirst car ever owned: Toyota Corolla (red). It had a big flag on its roof and an eagle etched on the rear window. A dream come true.
Current number of cars owned: Twelve, including a red Ferrari 950 and a 1985 Land Rover. Result of first driving test: I failed. It was in Harrogate. As I approached a traffic light that was changing to red. The examiner said I should proceed as I normally would, so I put my foot down and went straight through it! I confess I came home with tears in my eyes; it seemed like my whole world had fallen apart. Driving style: I get all the speed out of my system off-road, test driving cars for Top Gear. I mean, think about it – if I get disqualified from driving, I’m out of a job!” |
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